MURDER IN EQUESTRIA… a dime a dozen plot made better? Or just the same old nonsense?
Author: JakeThe Army Guy… (the one from the FOB’s lit. division?)
Ponyville, the humble village known for its peaceful tranquility, is shaken to its core when a body is discovered in the Everfree Forest. As the townsponies grieve, the strange, pale Special Agent Bentgrass, from Their Majesties' Royal Investigative Service, arrives at the Books and Branches library and drags Twilight into a world she's only read about: lies, corruption, suspicion, and murder. Faced with an indifferent police force, and Agent Bentgrass's infuriating methods, Twilight must put the pieces together and catch the killer. But as blood continues to spill and questions pile up, one thing is terrifyingly clear: in the dark of the Everfree, much more is at play than mere murder.
As you may well know, I hate—
*vworp*
… The hell?
*vworp* *clang* *aa-OOOOO-GAH*
Tweak: STOP!!
Dizzy: Tweak?! What are you doing? No one told you to come here!
Tweak: No! This ain’t fair!
*pop*
Spangle: Tweak, go away! Let him do the review!
Tweak: No! I understand you want to review my story. I mean, heh, it IS incredible and awesome, but how is it fair to have the hyper-negative, overly-critical douchebag review my story?!
Spangle: …You’re a Drill Sergeant!
Tweak: I… crap.
Spangle: Yeah, I thought so, Dizzy? Continue.
Dizzy: With pleasure. Now as I was say—
Tweak: …suck-up
*smack*
Tweak: OW!
Dizzy: Thanks, Spangle. Now, as you may well know, I hate clichés… okay, hate is a little light of a term. And the idea of “murder in Ponyville, forces some OC into the picture to figure it all out” just makes me shake my head. And I would normally just pass this story over, despite its EQD feature. But my boss says I have to do this to get accepted.
So short version, would I read this again? Yes.
Tweak: *stands up* Okay, great job, review over!
Dizzy: Long version…
Tweak: *sits down* Dang it…
Dizzy: Long version, so of course this can’t be just a murder for murder’s sake thing. And from chapter 1 on this is impeccably clear. CUE THE OC: Agent Agrostis Bentgrass… worried about pronouncing his first name? No need to worry, it is mention all of about twice. And to my surprise, as I Google his name for the sake of knowing, I find Agrostis is Latin… for Bentgrass.
Tweak: See?! I did research and stuff! I’m like a genius and whatnot.
Dizzy: So… his name is Bentgrass… Bentgrass?
Tweak: …
Dizzy: That’s what I thought.
Tweak: Yeah?! Well, you… you… you’re a doody-head!
Dizzy: …so yeah. But by far he is the most intriguing character for me. I can tell you first hand how hard it is to write a decent chess-master protagonist, and Bentgrass is exactly this. He acts without remorse, going so far as to hurt common ponies in Ponyville, just to gather information that he deems is only possible to gather through these methods.
The rest of the Mane Six are also here, although Twilight is the 'mane' feature. She works alongside Bentgrass, usually just sitting there and providing input that I feel Bentgrass might already know, especially when, in some instances, he knows things that Twilight has no clue about.
Now for my first quip: As Twilight and Bentgrass go through the motions, they obviously figure out who did-done-doed it. And the author almost literally spells it out.
Tweak: Hold up, hold up! When did I do that?!
Dizzy: Well there is no possible way I can say anything without spoilers… and Spanglebeat yelled at had a nice, little chat with me for spoilers in my last
review!
Spangle: All spoilers will be subject to air strikes.
Tweak: …So you can’t prove anything.
Dizzy: You still made it bleedingly obvious and impossible to not guess right… on purpose.
Tweak: Yes, yes I did!
Dizzy: What possibly made you think this was a good idea?
Tweak: Well, the reason is— Look, an elephant! *dives behind chair*
Dizzy: I can still see you…
Tweak: …
Dizzy: Uh, so anyway, now I can see that this builds upon the characters, but it gives no way for the reader to figure it out for their own. On the other hand when the author does leave it to the reader to figure out, it is so painfully obvious.
So, you like description? Come read this. Jake The Army Guy will paint you each scene brush by brush... see the problem? While the description is some of the best of what I have read recently, there is more than one instance where the description breaks the flow of a scene.
Tweak: Hey, it’s called 'descriptive writing'! It’s what us authors do!
Dizzy: Point stands.
Tweak: Hmm, okay. Well, let’s compare my story to yours. How many views does your story have again?!
Dizzy: How does that matter? I am not even trying to make mine good!
Tweak: Ha ha! I win! I have more views, therefore my story is objectively better! I am the ma—
Dizzy: There’s a Scootaloo clopfic with three times as many views as your story.
Tweak: …I need a hug…
Dizzy: So how does the conflict add up? Trying not to spoil anything, it ends up being one chess-master against another. Each one using their ability to play the characters and environment around them. And oh my is it nice when Bentgrass makes characters play themselves like cheap fluglehorns.
Now, near the end things seem a little different. As in, once Bentgrass’ chess-master deal proves useless, he is just some strongman. I felt like Twilight was holding his hoof the closer we came to the end. And thus my favorite character met his end… no, I'm not saying he actually dies, it’s a metaphor.
I’m not going to lie, if you have seen an episode of CSI: Equestria, you know the plot. And after looking at the Author’s Notes, if Jake The Army Guy would have left it as his human in Equestria fic, I would say “KILL IT WITH FIRE” but he took this out, and one thing that I love about fan fiction is when authors hint at the idea that the more shadowy side of... is it right to say ‘humanity’ here? Equinity? And that is brilliant.
Now, in the epilogue, the author throws in the room for a few spin-offs. Leaving room to see how relationships develop, and see how things are put back together... or not. He might as well just say, "let's explore some more horrific murders, with more going on than what meets the eye." I think this is just some marketing ploy, but hey, not my choice.
Tweak: Hey, don’t be hatin’…
Dizzy: Honestly, knowing me, what were you expecting?
Tweak: …Sunshine and happiness?
Dizzy: How about no.
How does all this add up? Pretty well, actually. You have not really seen my scope of how I think 90% of all fan fiction needs be lost in a hole, but I like this story. All the odd tangents are wrapped up, the plot never drifts from what is needed to advance, the pacing is beautiful, keeping you enraptured for each chapter and making me want to strangle Tweak for not releasing a new chapters on command, and even with the huge sappy mess that I can’twhine… complain... punch the
author over… tactfully remind him how I feel, still makes this a great
story, going up on my top ten for sure, probably even my favorites on FIMFiction.
...See, it wasn’t that bad.
Tweak: Ha! In your face! I’m the best author ever!
Dizzy: Hey, I didn’t say th—
Tweak: No one can write suspense like me! I am the Hitchcock of Pony!
Dizzy: Hey, now that’s a bit m—
Tweak: All shall bow before my literary might and tremble! I shall bathe in the tears of lesser beings as they weep upon seeing my mastery!
Dizzy: Spangle, get the tranq gun.
Spangle: *salutes* *walks away*
Tweak: I have no equal! I ca—
*thwack*
Tweak: I can count to apples!
*thud*
Dizzy: Thanks.
Spangle: Well, grab his legs. Let’s get him to his room.
SEMPER FILLY!
*vworp*
… The hell?
*vworp* *clang* *aa-OOOOO-GAH*
Tweak: STOP!!
Dizzy: Tweak?! What are you doing? No one told you to come here!
Tweak: No! This ain’t fair!
*pop*
Spangle: Tweak, go away! Let him do the review!
Tweak: No! I understand you want to review my story. I mean, heh, it IS incredible and awesome, but how is it fair to have the hyper-negative, overly-critical douchebag review my story?!
Spangle: …You’re a Drill Sergeant!
Tweak: I… crap.
Spangle: Yeah, I thought so, Dizzy? Continue.
Dizzy: With pleasure. Now as I was say—
Tweak: …suck-up
*smack*
Tweak: OW!
Dizzy: Thanks, Spangle. Now, as you may well know, I hate clichés… okay, hate is a little light of a term. And the idea of “murder in Ponyville, forces some OC into the picture to figure it all out” just makes me shake my head. And I would normally just pass this story over, despite its EQD feature. But my boss says I have to do this to get accepted.
So short version, would I read this again? Yes.
Tweak: *stands up* Okay, great job, review over!
Dizzy: Long version…
Tweak: *sits down* Dang it…
Dizzy: Long version, so of course this can’t be just a murder for murder’s sake thing. And from chapter 1 on this is impeccably clear. CUE THE OC: Agent Agrostis Bentgrass… worried about pronouncing his first name? No need to worry, it is mention all of about twice. And to my surprise, as I Google his name for the sake of knowing, I find Agrostis is Latin… for Bentgrass.
Tweak: See?! I did research and stuff! I’m like a genius and whatnot.
Dizzy: So… his name is Bentgrass… Bentgrass?
Tweak: …
Dizzy: That’s what I thought.
Tweak: Yeah?! Well, you… you… you’re a doody-head!
Dizzy: …so yeah. But by far he is the most intriguing character for me. I can tell you first hand how hard it is to write a decent chess-master protagonist, and Bentgrass is exactly this. He acts without remorse, going so far as to hurt common ponies in Ponyville, just to gather information that he deems is only possible to gather through these methods.
The rest of the Mane Six are also here, although Twilight is the 'mane' feature. She works alongside Bentgrass, usually just sitting there and providing input that I feel Bentgrass might already know, especially when, in some instances, he knows things that Twilight has no clue about.
Now for my first quip: As Twilight and Bentgrass go through the motions, they obviously figure out who did-done-doed it. And the author almost literally spells it out.
Tweak: Hold up, hold up! When did I do that?!
Dizzy: Well there is no possible way I can say anything without spoilers… and Spangle
Spangle: All spoilers will be subject to air strikes.
Tweak: …So you can’t prove anything.
Dizzy: You still made it bleedingly obvious and impossible to not guess right… on purpose.
Tweak: Yes, yes I did!
Dizzy: What possibly made you think this was a good idea?
Tweak: Well, the reason is— Look, an elephant! *dives behind chair*
Dizzy: I can still see you…
Tweak: …
Dizzy: Uh, so anyway, now I can see that this builds upon the characters, but it gives no way for the reader to figure it out for their own. On the other hand when the author does leave it to the reader to figure out, it is so painfully obvious.
So, you like description? Come read this. Jake The Army Guy will paint you each scene brush by brush... see the problem? While the description is some of the best of what I have read recently, there is more than one instance where the description breaks the flow of a scene.
Tweak: Hey, it’s called 'descriptive writing'! It’s what us authors do!
Dizzy: Point stands.
Tweak: Hmm, okay. Well, let’s compare my story to yours. How many views does your story have again?!
Dizzy: How does that matter? I am not even trying to make mine good!
Tweak: Ha ha! I win! I have more views, therefore my story is objectively better! I am the ma—
Dizzy: There’s a Scootaloo clopfic with three times as many views as your story.
Tweak: …I need a hug…
Dizzy: So how does the conflict add up? Trying not to spoil anything, it ends up being one chess-master against another. Each one using their ability to play the characters and environment around them. And oh my is it nice when Bentgrass makes characters play themselves like cheap fluglehorns.
Now, near the end things seem a little different. As in, once Bentgrass’ chess-master deal proves useless, he is just some strongman. I felt like Twilight was holding his hoof the closer we came to the end. And thus my favorite character met his end… no, I'm not saying he actually dies, it’s a metaphor.
I’m not going to lie, if you have seen an episode of CSI: Equestria, you know the plot. And after looking at the Author’s Notes, if Jake The Army Guy would have left it as his human in Equestria fic, I would say “KILL IT WITH FIRE” but he took this out, and one thing that I love about fan fiction is when authors hint at the idea that the more shadowy side of... is it right to say ‘humanity’ here? Equinity? And that is brilliant.
Now, in the epilogue, the author throws in the room for a few spin-offs. Leaving room to see how relationships develop, and see how things are put back together... or not. He might as well just say, "let's explore some more horrific murders, with more going on than what meets the eye." I think this is just some marketing ploy, but hey, not my choice.
Tweak: Hey, don’t be hatin’…
Dizzy: Honestly, knowing me, what were you expecting?
Tweak: …Sunshine and happiness?
Dizzy: How about no.
How does all this add up? Pretty well, actually. You have not really seen my scope of how I think 90% of all fan fiction needs be lost in a hole, but I like this story. All the odd tangents are wrapped up, the plot never drifts from what is needed to advance, the pacing is beautiful, keeping you enraptured for each chapter and making me want to strangle Tweak for not releasing a new chapters on command, and even with the huge sappy mess that I can’t
...See, it wasn’t that bad.
Tweak: Ha! In your face! I’m the best author ever!
Dizzy: Hey, I didn’t say th—
Tweak: No one can write suspense like me! I am the Hitchcock of Pony!
Dizzy: Hey, now that’s a bit m—
Tweak: All shall bow before my literary might and tremble! I shall bathe in the tears of lesser beings as they weep upon seeing my mastery!
Dizzy: Spangle, get the tranq gun.
Spangle: *salutes* *walks away*
Tweak: I have no equal! I ca—
*thwack*
Tweak: I can count to apples!
*thud*
Dizzy: Thanks.
Spangle: Well, grab his legs. Let’s get him to his room.
TL;DR
Are you looking for a murder
mystery with ponies? I dare you to find better.
SEMPER FILLY!
