Bronycon is at the end of the week, so you know what that means! Eeyup, horseshoe it around me, take a knee, and drink water. It's time for the safety brief.
Grab your reflective belt and click through for more!
All right, you miscreants, listen up! You little fu—
What? Oh, this is informal? Oh. Uh... eh-heh... Let me, uh.. L-Let me start again.
*ahem*
Howdy, military bronies! Tweak here with a little public safety announcement on behalf of the entire staff at FOB Equestria. As you may or may not know—and if you don't know, slap yourself—Bronycon is right around the corner. I, for one, could not be more excited! Not only does it get me away from the toxic piles of fail that the civilian sector constantly sends me, but this con looks to be one of the best in recent memory. So many people from the show, artists and musicians from the fandom, panels, vendors, the media...
Wait, what?
Yes, folks, this here is what we call a "high visibility event." The media, and people in general, can't seem to wrap their heads around bronies, so they want to know more about us and what goes on at brony conventions. Seeing as how this is the brony convention, you can expect to see them out there.
Now, some of you may not know this, but I don't always forcibly rearrange the souls of dumb privates. By trade, I'm a 46R, Public Affairs Specialist/Broadcast Journalist, so I know a thing or two about media relations and PA goodness. So, the other guys on the staff have asked me to talk to y'all about the best way to present yourselves at the con. Remember, you are a soldier/sailor/airman/marine/coast guardsman 24/7, and you are expected to carry yourselves as such. I am not here trying to ruin your fun. I plan on having a hell of a lot of fun at Bronycon, and I'm working! I'm gonna spend insane amounts of money on swag, especially buttons(you are going down Silvermane!) chit chat with other fans, and, of course, I plan on doing some drinking at night. However, you are more than capable of having fun without acting like a complete idiot.
First and foremost, DO NOT WEAR YOUR FRIGGIN' ACUs!!!!!
Okay, we all remember this guy, right?
Yeah, keep smiling, dopey. You're only making my kill boner harder.
Yeah, remember this little kerfuffle from last year's Bronycon? Those hanger-dodging oxygen thieves who wore their ACU uniform complete with Rainbow Dash cutie mark patches? Remember how he was on the first or second page of the Army Times? And, of course, we all remember how the net friggin' exploded. Suddenly, military bronies were everywhere... but not in the way we wanted.
Okay, this really pisses me off, so no more snark. Hear me now and believe me later: You are not authorized to wear your duty uniform when not on duty! I don't care what your PAO said. I don't care what your CO said. The only time you can wear the duty uniform is when on duty! So, do not show up wearing ACUs or service equivalent uniform. It's disrespectful to the uniform, and disrespectful to the nation. Understand that people have DIED wearing that uniform. Don't you dare defile their memory by wearing it in such a frivolous manner just because you want some pats on the back and free stuff.
Last comment on this: myself and Silvermane—an E-6 and E-8, respectively— are part of the Programming department. If we see you wearing a duty uniform, we will humiliate you, plain and simple. Not only that, but either myself or Silver, whichever is needed to outrank you, will issue you a lawful order to go change. If you don't, then we will go to the Head of Programming, check the registry and find your name. Then, we will contact your home command, and let them know how you disrespected the uniform of your service, and disobeyed a direct order from a Staff Non-Commissioned Officer. And then we will go to the Head of Security, and have you escorted out of the con. I am not messing around with this. Don't do it.
Now! On to more fun stuff... depending on if you think talking in front of cameras is fun. I do, but hey, I'm weird.
As I said, there will be media present, and they want to know why grown men and women like pastel-colored talking ponies. Of all the groups that will be represented there, I think the military bronies would be the most "high-valued targets," if for no other reasons, we are the most professional, highly-trained military in the world. High-speed, low-drag, pop smoke, combat roll hard-chargin' hooah-hooah Semper Fi mother buckers who, oh by the way, can be reduced to a pile of squeeing mush upon seeing Sweetie Belle drink a milkshake.
D'AAAAAWWWWWWHHHNNNNNGGGGJKLKSDKFLDSFJNBDSADSADSAFGFDFKHWQ&^$&*$%&
So, at some point you may find yourself looking down the barrel of a camera with someone trying to talk to you. And that's great! Seriously, we want our message out there! We want people to know that there are good soldiers out there on the front lines of freedom who don't care what people think and enjoy something that is wholesome and objectively good, gender stereotypes be damned.
The only thing we want you to remember is stay in your lane. It is perfectly acceptable to not answer a question. If a reporter asks you about something that is way above your pay grade, simply say, "I don't know" and move on. Do not say, "No comment." Just say you don't know, plain and simple. If they get belligerent, wanting you to speak on things that you have no reason to, then walk away. I've done it before. My first deployment we pulled security for this reporter guy, I honestly can;'t remember from where. He sat me down and asked me some standard questions, who I was, where I was from, why I joined the Army. Then he started asking me about Abu Grahib scandal, wanting me to say something disparaging about then-President Bush. So, I got up and walked away. One conversation with the First Sergeant later, dude was gone.
So, yeah. Answer anything to your hearts content, just remember that once you identify as a military member, you are representing the US Military, so keep a level head, don't let them fluster you, and think carefully about your answers. One thing "ambush" reporters like to do is rapid fire questions to fluster you into saying something dumb they can use for a soundbite. You could walk away, but if you really want to piss them off, speak slowly and think slowly. Hehehehe....
Even if you are never interveiwed, be aware of the fact that their are eyes on you, camera-type and real-type. For the bajillionth time, you are a service member 24/7, and especially so if you identify publicly as a Brony. Please remember to shave, and do you best to have a tight haircut in regs with whatever branch you're in. I know, this is private stuff, but it needs to be said. Don't try to be the symbol of military bronies looking like Grizzly Adams.
Even if you are never interveiwed, be aware of the fact that their are eyes on you, camera-type and real-type. For the bajillionth time, you are a service member 24/7, and especially so if you identify publicly as a Brony. Please remember to shave, and do you best to have a tight haircut in regs with whatever branch you're in. I know, this is private stuff, but it needs to be said. Don't try to be the symbol of military bronies looking like Grizzly Adams.
Now for the standard safety brief stuff. Any of you who have had a Friday in the military knows this stuff, but I feel the need to go over it anyway. The brain slug they shoved in my ear after they pinned E-5 on me requires I worry about crap like this. Yay, promotions.
DRINKING: Look, I already said it, I'm gonna drink. I'm gonna get pleasantly buzzed, hell, I may even get drunk, but I'm not going to drink an entire fifth of Jack by my damn self. This is a convention; it's supposed to be fun! Just be responsible and smart about it. You can't really enjoy the con with a raging hangover or from the drunk tank, now can you? And once more, you fall under the UCMJ 24/7, so what happens at Bronycon will not stay at Bronycon. Be smart.
SAFE SEX: Contrary to popular belief, there will be womenfolk at the convention, and one or two of you malformed whatsits may somehow trick a member of the opposite(or same) sex to think you're charming and get lucky. More power to ya, just remember that herpes is the gift that keeps on giving. This goes for both sexes and all orientations: if you're gonna tap it, wrap it.
DUI: Dear sweet 8-lbs bald bawling baby Jeebus, I hate having to say this over and over, because it is the easiest thing to avoid. If you're gonna drink, don't drive. If you're gonna drive, don't drink. Boom. As we say in the Army, it's Infantry-proof.
MONEY: Now is the point where I play the hypocrite a bit. See, last con I went to was Las Pegasus Unicon. While there, I spent a whole lot of money on swag. I think the final figures came out to somewhere between a crap-ton and Holy sweet f*ck I have no self control.
But I digress.
Yes, when you walk around the convention hall, you'll see all kinds bright and shinys: plushies, custom figurines, buttons, t-shirts, statuettes, random gee-gaws and knick-knacks to make the mind spin. I say yes, you should buy some swag! Support your brony artisans, just be smart about it. See, I learned my lesson back at LPU. This time, I have a budget. I know exactly how much I have to spend, and I'm not going over... unless they have a really nice AJ plushie... and a Twilight.... and Fluttershy... Don't you judge me!
Point is: be smart. Don't go into debt over this stuff. I'm pretty sure AER doesn't approve loans due to pony swag.
Well, that's all I have to say, I think. I honestly can not wait to meet all of y'all. Saunter Hoof, Commander Firebrand, and myself will be on the Military Brony panel, Silvermane and I will be hosting the Andy Price,Katy Cook comic book panel, and I'll be playing in Whose Line Is It Anypony game alongside Saber Spark and ACRacebest. I'll also be running around like a chicken with my head cut off
One final note. Miche has added this little bit, just to summarize:
Miche: Don't be a dumbass.
Wow. Sage words, brother. Sage words, indeed. See y'all on Friday! From front to rear, dissapear!
SEMPER FILLY!
