Author: Lumadous
A heartfelt homecoming for a vet.Will this story be welcomed with open arms? Click through!
Home at Last
Okay, remember back in my Youth In The Garden review when I said it was very easy to tug at somepony's heartstrings? Well, being a Drill Sergeant, I can assure you that it is, in fact, possible to screw up even the simplest of tasks. Case in point: Home at Last.
STORY: A soldier finally comes home from a war. We don't know what war, we don't know who we're fighting, why we're fighting, when we're fighting, how we're fighting. We're just fighting. Yay. Anywho, the soldier is home after eight years at war. Jeez! I thought we got screwed when it comes to mid-tour leave! We open on him at his daughter's school, ready to surprise her and his wife. Again, wow. He didn't even get to tell them he's coming home?! Wow, Equestria's military kinda sucks.
The rest of the story follows the soldier, a pony named Mighty Gate, and his family as he gets settled. I think. The story is only 1,300 words long, but several big issues still manage to stick out. When he first arrives, the daughter doesn't recognize him, since he's been gone her whole life. Later, when she shows him pictures she drew of the family, every drawing of him is different, since she didn't know what he looked like. But later, the girl pulls out a photograph of him! She even comments that she found several old pictures of him! Uh... derp?
Also, Mighty is missing a leg. Okay, that's not an issue. However, we later learn that he lost it at the same moment when his brother died. Okay, okay, hold up. You're telling me that this guy lost a leg and his brother on the same day, and the military of the most peaceful, loving country in the history of ever, doesn't even let him call home to talk to his wife?! She acts shocked when she notices it, so obviously she had no clue. Seriously?! Somepony needs to tell Shining Armor that Emperor Palpatine isn't the best role model when it comes to morale.
CHARACTERS: This story suffers from a severe lack of characterization. The wife, Golden Honey, has about ten lines in the entire story, so we don't really get a feel for her. When they are first reunited, she gets weepy and emotional, but she stays that way. I would think she'd be pissed that he came home without even telling her, but that's just me, I'm not married.
The bigger issue is the kid. Now again, I have no kids, but I've had soldiers who have them. We get briefings on how children react to a parent leaving for long periods of time. In the story, the kid is at first a bit uncertain about Gate, but by the next page she's skipping and jumping, eager to show him around, hugging him and playing with him. Remember, she has never seen this guy before! I've had soldiers who were gone for 7 months before they went on mid-tour, and their kids didn't warm up that quick! Not saying it can't happen, just saying that it's highly unlikely.
Mighty Gate himself? Meh. Again, no real characterization. Just random, blank slate soldier.
STYLE AND GRAMMAR: The grammar could use some work. Little things like punctuation after dialogue, run-on sentences, things that most readers wouldn't notice, but irk reviewers to no end. Nothing that bad.
OVERALL AWESOMENESS: Talk to my dentist for five seconds, and you'll learn: I love sweet things. Come on, y'all, we watch My Little Pony. We all love d'aww moments. This... this just forced it. There are a bunch of moments in this story where I just felt like the author was shoving it down my throat. For cryin' out loud, at the end, the kid actually says, "I wuv you, Daddy." Wuv! No prior speech impediments, just out of nowhere, Schmaltz!
Look, all told? This isn't that bad a story. I know I complained about it a bunch up above, but hey, I'm a Drill Sergeant, it's my job to be mean and overly negative. I can see what the author was going for, and he almost made it, but the forced d'aw, the odd plot holes, and crazy logic of this military just take too much away. Final call, reluctantly, is...
This may be the first time in my life I truly feel bad for saying this, but author? Beat yer face. Sorry, bro. From front to rear, disappear!
