Hey there, kids! Tweak back once more to review some fan fiction fer ya! This is my first assigned review here at FOB Equestria. Wow, I'm being assigned to read pony fiction. My life is officially awesome.
AUTHOR: Fernin
Princess Celestia gave very clear instructions to Twilight and her friends before sending them through the Interface to the temporary embassy on Earth: without the unanimous support of all six mares, any and all negotiations with the humans of the Confederate Gulf States will come to a screeching halt.
Both sides have much to gain from a cordial relationship and, after a week of feverish talks, the Confederacy has brought around five of the six Equestrian ambassadors... But there is one hold-out: Applejack. How can the CGS' diplomatic team get Applejack to sign off on the deal?
That's a tricky question, but by no means the hardest... The hardest is being asked by Texas Guard Corporal Robert E. L. Cargyle: why the heck do his bosses think that he is the one for the job?!
One thing's for sure... Politics definitely makes for some strange bedfellows.Does this story meet the standard? Find out after the jump!
Strange Bedfellows
Being that I spend a great deal of my free time reading about pastel-colored talking, flying, magic-using ponies, my suspension of disbelief is pretty hardcore. Rarity an expert bladecaster and Applejack a nigh-invincible juggernaut? Sure! Rainbow Dash flying at the speed of lightning to defeat a snake the size of a mountain? Why not? Twilight is Celestia's daughter and Trixie is Luna's? Seems legit. A pony standing on two legs and line-dancing? Nope. Uh-uh. Negative. Driver stop. Cease fire, freeze. Negative, Ghost Rider, the pattern is full.
STORY: Strange Bedfellows is the story of a human and a pon— Hey, hey where you going? Come back!
Yes, this is a Human/Pony ship fic. Abandon hope, all ye who read on. The main plot (no, not that plot! Sicko) is that a portal has opened between Equestria and Earth through the power of Quantum. What is Quantum? Quantum is the unholy power of, "Just Shut Up And Don't Think About It." It's when a lazy writer doesn't feel like explaining how it works. We never figure out how this portal came to be, only that it's there, and we now have to deal with it. The Princesses have sent the Mane Six to Earth as ammbassadors. One would think that a pair of semi-omnipotent demigods would send trained diplomats instead of twenty-somethings from some backwoods town, but whatever. National heros, main characters... Quantum.
So, the six have to decide whether the portal should stay open. Unless they all decide "yes," the portal will be closed forever. All are on board except for Applejack. The human ambassador decides that the best way to win over a redneck is with another redneck. People, this is the kind of thinking I expect from our politicians. So, he sends young Corporal Cargyle, a Texas Guardsman, to convince the farmpony to say yes. What is a Texas Guardsman? We'll get to that.
Anywho, the Corporal offers to show AJ a good time, "Texas style!" Good sir, I am from Texas. You have no idea the level of criticism I have waiting for you. So they head to a country music bar, which AJ loves. Of course! I mean, why should my beloved Applejack get any characterization beyond "redneck?" What's worse, the whole event is interspersed with Big and Rich lyrics. Making me read a sub-par HumanXPony ship fic is bad enough, but making me listen to country music while doing it? Unforgivable. I've been asked by my bosses here at the FOB to stop here as to avoid spoilers, but trust me, you're not missing much. What follows is something you've seen in dozens of lame sitcoms and pretty much every Jennifer Aniston movie ever.
CHARACTERS: As far as ponies, the only two we see are Twilight and Applejack. Twi seems in character, maybe a little too stiff. As I said before, Applejack comes across as kinda flat and one-dimensional. If you didn't know, Applejack is best pony in my humble opinion. Now I will admit that what I like about her is her down-home simplicity. But being simple doesn't mean you can't be complex, if that makes any sense. Can I please get some charcater development over here?!
Corporal Cargyle comes off as boring and bland. We never really get a sense of his character, no real defining moments where we "know" him. He claims to be a redneck, but we never really see this beyond his horrible taste in music.
The biggest problem in the character department is the military itself. See, the Equestrians don't interact with the USA. No, they interact with The Confederate Gulf States. Wait, what? Um, okay, a few things. First off, I've lived in the South most of my life, so I'm not being a bigot when I say this: when thinking of alternate names for the Southern United States, you really want to shy away from the word "Confederate." Just saying. The big problem is not that we're dealing with an alternate universe government, it's that we're dealing with an alternate universe of our own government. This wouldn't be a problem if it was just mentioned in passing, but it's not. The author makes multiple references to things that are never explained: the Gulf State Militia, the Texas Guard, holidays like "Reformation Day." He never tells us what these are or how this alternate form of our country came to be. The result is, instead of the world feeling more real and fleshed out, the reader is left thinking, "What the Hell is he talking about?" Operating in an alternate universe is fine, but when you do, at least in my opinion, you have to take great pains to describe the world. This author didn't. In fact, it kinda makes me want to read about that instead of the main plot. It's never a good sign when your story makes me want to read another story instead, especially if the other story doesn't even exist!
STYLE AND GRAMMAR: There's a few things that pop up. The one that does so the most is the misuse of ellipsis. No spaces afterwards, and capitalized letters after. Other than that, there's a few minor derps, things like misspelled words, missing capitalization, things that should have been caught by an editor. If the author had dropped this in The Training Grounds of /fic/, it would be cleaned up in one go. Nothing that really breaks the bank, but as it is, it wouldn't make it on EqD.
OVERALL AWESOMENESS: One of my favorite internet reviewers, SF Debris, once commented on the difficulty of reviewing comedy pieces. Since a great deal of the plot elements are not meant to be taken seriously, there's not a whole lot of criticism you can lay besides, "It isn't funny." Well, this isn't funny. Sure a few gags near the end made me chuckle, but overall it just fell flat. Past that, the characters were bland, the shipping was awkward and clunky, and the plot was just dull. Near the end, it got cliche beyond belief.
Bottom line? I left this story feeling the worst thing you can feel when reading a comedy: I felt bored. I said earlier that this was my first assignment as a reviewer for this site Well, that's what this felt like: an assignment that I had to read, not one I wanted to read. Sadly, the author did not meet the standard, and if you've been through basic training, you know what happens when the Drill Sergeant feels you failed to meet the standard:
Eeyup. Author, grab some real estate and beat your face until I get tired! That's all I got! From front to rear, disappear!
