Hey everybrony! Yes, I just used that term... Anyway, remember when I was actually alive? Me neither, but I'm back! This time I have yet another story submitted to us with a military slant to it. This one was actually sent in to us by the founder/administrator of the Pony Fiction Vault, so it can be reasonably expected to have a certain level of quality, but how good can it really be?
Author: Mindblower
Mom says that families who work really hard get to put a gold star on the inside of their windows.Perhaps I should have given this one to Tweak or Dizzy... NAH! We've entered the jump zone. Green-light! Go! Go! Go!
Gold Star (Word Count: 3,587)
Now, if you're deductive reasoning is anything like mine, it's possible that you have two thoughts going through your head when you read this fic's title: 1) this "gold star" is something similar to the gold stars the Nazi's used to identify the Jews before and during WWII or 2) it has something to do with the ultimate sacrifice any military member can make. Let me put your mind partially at ease, it's not the former. Also, it is important to note that the Royal Guard has blue stars on their armor, as seen below:
With all that cleared up, let's get on with this review!
Let's just get my issues with this story out of the way first. If you haven't guessed it from the description, this story is told from the perspective of some stallion's foal. See where I'm going with this?... Maybe you don't, so I'll explain: the author is writing from the first-person view of a child, which means that everything has to sound like it could come from the mind of a child while still being written well enough that it doesn't read like a child wrote it. Get me now? Good.
You might say, "Well, maybe the colt is telling the story when he's older," and I would be inclined to agree... if it wasn't for the attempts at childhood innocence/ignorance in the story's narration. There's no mistake, this story is definitely being told from a child's perspective. Does the author fail miserably? No, but he doesn't quite execute this approach flawlessly either. Honestly, though, I can't fault him too much as I think it's something very difficult to do and to do it well, but it's still a fault.
The other issue I have with this story is how militaristic Equestria appears to be. I mean, they have math problems about ponies carrying incendiary charges. Seriously? I entered middle school right as the wars in the Middle East began, and I never got even a single question as blatantly militaristic as that, and they're giving these questions to foals? Granted, it's the "advanced" class, but they even say later on that this class is supposedly only 1 year ahead of our main character. It just feels so wrong... but it did amuse me.
Besides that, the story was enjoyable. Sure, there were some odd grammar and wording choices, but nothing story breaking; it still flowed easily enough and was certainly readable. The dialog was especially engaging, although it could be argued that some of the ponies from the show (such as the CMC) might have been somewhat out of character. I can't say for sure because most of these ponies were placed in a setting that's so vastly different from what we've seen on the show that both sides cannot be accurately supported either way, but I think it works.
What really surprised me about this story was its subtlety. It does this with its description, such as revealing to us that the foal is a light blue pegasus by way of his morning routine, as well as with its world-building. The author tells us a much larger story without actually taking the time to tell it. We are given several little glimpses here and there that slowly piece together a larger picture and give us a better idea of the world that this foal lives in. In my opinion, this type of storytelling is the true mark of someone with the talent for writing.
Probably the most redeeming quality of this story is the raw emotion. Then again, it is about having military parents and the hardships that come with it; that's one of those "right in the feels" subjects. We see the toll it takes on those who bear this burden and how it can manifest itself in different ways. The author also shows us the disconnect that sometimes happens between those who live military lives and those who don't. Neither of my parents were in the military, but I definitely understand the toll it takes. Being in the military and having plenty of friends who grew up as military brats has helped me to understand, so this story naturally strikes a chord.
Welp, time for the numbers:
If you want a simple "READ/DON"T READ," I'd have to go with read this one. It's short and entertaining enough to be worth the small amount of time you put into it. Is it perfect? No, but not very many things are. If you think this type of story is for you, go take the next 30 minutes or so and go give it a read.
Got a story you want us to review? Send all submissions to FOBEquestria@gmail.com with the subject of "FANFIC"! Please keep in mind that we cannot review a story that is incomplete.
SEMPER FILLY!
You might say, "Well, maybe the colt is telling the story when he's older," and I would be inclined to agree... if it wasn't for the attempts at childhood innocence/ignorance in the story's narration. There's no mistake, this story is definitely being told from a child's perspective. Does the author fail miserably? No, but he doesn't quite execute this approach flawlessly either. Honestly, though, I can't fault him too much as I think it's something very difficult to do and to do it well, but it's still a fault.
The other issue I have with this story is how militaristic Equestria appears to be. I mean, they have math problems about ponies carrying incendiary charges. Seriously? I entered middle school right as the wars in the Middle East began, and I never got even a single question as blatantly militaristic as that, and they're giving these questions to foals? Granted, it's the "advanced" class, but they even say later on that this class is supposedly only 1 year ahead of our main character. It just feels so wrong... but it did amuse me.
Besides that, the story was enjoyable. Sure, there were some odd grammar and wording choices, but nothing story breaking; it still flowed easily enough and was certainly readable. The dialog was especially engaging, although it could be argued that some of the ponies from the show (such as the CMC) might have been somewhat out of character. I can't say for sure because most of these ponies were placed in a setting that's so vastly different from what we've seen on the show that both sides cannot be accurately supported either way, but I think it works.
What really surprised me about this story was its subtlety. It does this with its description, such as revealing to us that the foal is a light blue pegasus by way of his morning routine, as well as with its world-building. The author tells us a much larger story without actually taking the time to tell it. We are given several little glimpses here and there that slowly piece together a larger picture and give us a better idea of the world that this foal lives in. In my opinion, this type of storytelling is the true mark of someone with the talent for writing.
Probably the most redeeming quality of this story is the raw emotion. Then again, it is about having military parents and the hardships that come with it; that's one of those "right in the feels" subjects. We see the toll it takes on those who bear this burden and how it can manifest itself in different ways. The author also shows us the disconnect that sometimes happens between those who live military lives and those who don't. Neither of my parents were in the military, but I definitely understand the toll it takes. Being in the military and having plenty of friends who grew up as military brats has helped me to understand, so this story naturally strikes a chord.
Welp, time for the numbers:
| Originality: | 4.5 out of 5 rounds. |
| Composition: | 4 out of 5 rounds. |
| Characters: | 4 out of 5 rounds. |
| Imagery: | 4 out of 5 rounds. |
| Plot: | 3.5 out of 5 rounds. |
| Relatability: | 4 out of 5 rounds. |
| Overall: | 4 out of 5 rounds. |
If you want a simple "READ/DON"T READ," I'd have to go with read this one. It's short and entertaining enough to be worth the small amount of time you put into it. Is it perfect? No, but not very many things are. If you think this type of story is for you, go take the next 30 minutes or so and go give it a read.
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Got a story you want us to review? Send all submissions to FOBEquestria@gmail.com with the subject of "FANFIC"! Please keep in mind that we cannot review a story that is incomplete.
SEMPER FILLY!
