Author: darf
Princess Twilight Sparkle is tired of being a stunningly attractive spinster, so she decides to ask out the pony of her desires (whom she decides is Applejack). As is par for the course, things don't go exactly as planned, but Twilight learns valuable lessons about magic and friendship in the process.
Is this tale of unbridled passion good, or is it soooo un-rainbow? Grab your Applnese-to-English dictionary and click through to find out!
Soricular Fornication (Word count: 8,331)
Now, if you've visited FIMFiction.net more than once, you most likely have heard of darf, and probably just know him as, "That guy who writes really messed up clopfics." And yes, he does indeed write stories of an amorous nature dealing with... erm, we'll say... interesting subject matters. The list of fetishes he writes about reads like a Cannibal Corpse album:
- Mind-controlled foalcon rape
- Human-on-pony sex while covered in rancid semen
- Forced ingestion of semen to the point of vomiting... and then ingesting some more... and then vomiting again.
What a guy.
So, when
CHARACTERS: Yes, I'm changing up the order from normal, because this bit is more important than in other stories.
You know, I laugh when I think about the poor soul who goes into this fic without reading the full synopsis first. They would probably think this was the absolute worst case of mischaracterization ever. Why is Twilight a self-absorbed narcissist?! What is Rarity talking about when she mentions PTSD from "the war?" Pinkie didn't grow up in an orphanage, and she is definitely not a gypsy! Wait, a... gypsy?
Sound familiar?
Eeyup, this story is based on Friendship is Witchcraft, the delightfully absurd YouTube series by Sherclop Pones. Yes, you heard right: a fan fiction based on a fan work.
If you've never seen FiW, it's an "abridged" show. Basically, they take clips from the show, recut them, and add new dialogue to make an entirely different show. These ain't your momma's ponies. Or, um, they ain't your... your, uh, p-ponies. Anywho, all the characters that appear in the story are very true to the FiW "canon," however, I will never forgive the author for the lack of Cult Leader Fluttershy and Sweetie Bot. All in all, every character we see is perfectly in line for an episode of FiW.
Which is part of the problem...
STORY: Newly crowned Princess Twilight finds herself newly single, after the sudden annulment of her marriage to her not-biologically-related-so-it's-totally-not-creepy brother Shining Armor and his subsequent spontaneously exploding in a cloud of confetti that left only circumstantial evidence.
I'm gonna pause for a minute and let that sink in.
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So, looking for the love of her life, whom she has decided is Applejack, Princess Sparkle and Applejack go on a date, which goes as well as you might expect. Afterwards, they return to the library for "Thinly-veiled-metaphor-for-second-base," only to find Rarity robbing the place trying to supplement her income because her VA checks have dried up. This works out great for Twilight, as it allows them to reenact the steamy sex scene between Applesack and Charity from her fan fiction, Harder Than Diamonds: A Lust Story.
Okay, I'm gonna stop trying to explain the plot, alright? Suffice to say, this reads exactly like an episode of FiW. The way it's written makes it very easy for those who have seen the series to add in the audio cues, like Twilight's childish coos of wonder at seemingly trivial things. Dialogue cues are great, as well. A good example is when Rarity asks Twilight why she chose Applejack:
"Of course not," Twilight replied, steadying herself
before she took off. "Everypony in this town is a one-dimensional
caricature with no redeeming qualities or personality traits whatsoever.
“I just picked Applejack because she has the nicest butt."
And let's face it, she does. I mean, she kicks trees for a living! She's pretty much guaranteed to have a butt like a steel kettle!
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Um, if I pay you all five bucks, can we pretend I never said that?
Another great bit is when Applejack orders her meal on their "date," turning down every apple-flavored meal in favor of a bowl of tasteless mush, like Army rations. I still don't know when darf ever ate an MRE, but his evaluations of Army rations is uncanny. All in all, the story reads out almost exactly in line with an episode of FiW.
Which is part of the problem...
STYLE AND GRAMMAR: Near flawless. Once more, it's sad that people only know darf as "The Weird Clopfic Guy," because they glaze over the fact that the man knows how to write. The only real problem I've ever had with his style is that he tends to be a bit long-winded and wordy, using very complex sentences. I asked him about this once, and he said, "I like my sentences like I like my women: thick, complicated, and when you're done with them, you're gasping for air."
Truly the Plato of our time. Also, it helps that this story was edited by an incredibly smart, handsome, sexy, charming, talented, cultured, suave, down-right maddeningly perfect man whose literary talents are only matched by his modesty and humility.
A brief note on style: In the first few chapters, it is mentioned that Princess Twilight posted in her Live Journal about her date. Going beyond what one would think required, darf actually had a picture made replicating an LJ entry, complete with common misspellings, text-speak, and #swag. However, my personal favorite part of the whole story is the Author's Note at the end, a hilarious parody of what can be found at the end of nearly every crappy fan fiction, asking for advice and opinions. You have to see it to appreciate it, but it's friggin' hilarious. All told, the very feel of the story mirrors FiW to a near-perfect degree.
Which is part of the problem...
OVERALL AWESOMENESS: I mentioned earlier that I laughed at people who read this without reading the entire synopsis, and you can see there were a lot. Reading the comments, and there are plenty complaining about mischaracterization and plot issues. Hell, one comment even complained about there being, "too much Friendship is Witchcraft influence."
It's right there in the friggin' synopsis! How could you not see that?! However, most people seemed to get what this is, a lovingly crafted homage to a notable web series.
And that is the problem.
Look, it's been said, and I agree, that FiW is a bit polarizing. I compare it to the comedy of Andrew Dice Clay or Andy Kaufman, in that you either love it or hate it. Not too many people are indifferent towards it. This is important because, as I've been saying this whole review, this story reads so much like an episode of FiW, which was the intent, that those same divisions apply here: If you love Friendship is Witchcraft, you will love this story. If you don't care for FiW, then you're probably not going to get as much out of it as a fan would.
Now, that is not to say that anyone who dislikes FiW should avoid this. Even if you don't like the series, you can still appreciate this story. Yes, most of the humor is in the same vein of FiW, but darf injects enough of his own pervasive humor to make it a worthwhile read for anyone who can stomach some AU, which is what makes the stories initial reception so confounding to me.
Darf is, at the time of this review, the seventh most watched author on FIMFiction. Even his sub-par stories tend to appear in the much vaunted "Feature Box" on the front page for at least a little bit, and his top works have dominated it for weeks. Several of his SFW stories have been featured on Equestria Daily. However, this story, for some reason, bombed. Hard. I honestly don't get it. Sure, the FiW divide has a part to play, but you can still get some enjoyment out of it if you don't like the series. Again, not as much as a fan, like myself, would, but still, for the life of me, I can't understand why this is one of darf's lowest rated stories. How bad is it? Looking at his story list, in order of rank, this story is an entire page and a half below his other story, Forbidden Fruit. Let me put that in perspective for you: This oddball comedy set in a clear Alternate Universe has a lower rating than the story about a human who turns Apple Bloom into a brainwashed sex slave! The hell, people?!
But honestly, that is much more a statement on the FIMFiction reader base than darf's abilities as a writer. This story is funny, sharply-written, and gleefully absurd, just like its subject material. SO, my final recommendation is...
This story is a gem, and even if you squick at the idea of clop, I implore you to check out darf's SFW stories. He's an immensely talented writer, one who is not afraid to take on taboo subjects. Because hey, somebody has to write about a futanari Rarity screwing AIDS into teenage colts, and by God, you couldn't ask for a better guy for the job than my boy darf.
From front to rear, disappear!
SEMPER FILLY!
